What a day... Did two loads of washing today. Cleaned the house like never before. Vaccumed the living room, dining room and corridor. Then after that wiped the floor... No, I didn't mop the floor... I wiped it... With a cloth. Yes. On my knees.
The mission trippers came over for briefing/meeting and we discussed what we were planning to do for the trip. Mainly shared about our desire to serve and follow God's guidance. I was really blessed by the time of prayer. Really felt encouraged by the Spirit as well as by the rest of the team.
Sad thing is that we heard from Joe that he couldn't get leave... Well, we're continuing to pray for a miracle to happen. He is the God who makes a way when there is no other way right?
No way I'm going to be discouraged by this... I'm going to pray. Because its clear what favour we've gotten from God and I must practice what I 'preach' when I say, we don't let circumstances or the situation bring us down. My God is in control...
::: Verse of the Day :::
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.
If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
| 1 Corinthians 3:11-15 |
After teaching discipleship group on Sunday, Justin asked some questions that made me think... He was talking about what he had learnt from others about each one interpreting the bible differently. I believe that although its true that there is no set syllabus, we are still accountable to what we tell others about. People tend to blur the lines between right and wrong. You won't go to hell if you don't believe in healing from God through Christ. But you don't know what you're missing out on.
My opinion is, as long as you are walking closely with God. Spending time with Him and listening to Him, you should be alright. Of course there is the matter of obeying what time bible says. Kenneth Hagin Jr. hit the nail on the head when he wrote in His bible "what the Word says, I will do."
We must also take into consideration what example we're setting to others. But again, if Christ shines through, we don't have to worry about that.
Of course... this is susceptible to more debate.
Good evening world... Had a great morning when I woke up today. Watched a live conference on Rhema.org. Prayed for our church after it all. Frustration will drive a man to pray. Too often prayer is a last resort when actually it should be the first thing we do. It kinda irritates me when, sometimes in some committees or teams, you feel that they pray just because it a Christian thing to do... Something to get out of the way because its customary to do it... You can tell. There is a significant difference!
Anyway, after doing some housework, I left to meet Lynette for lunch... Had Ban Mian at Simei. Then we went to Nanyang Optical to get new glasses. I wonder why they still call them glasses when they're made of plastic and metal. Just a thought... And I got psychoed into getting 6 months worth of contact lenses too. But I'm looking forward to wearing spectacles again... :P
Came home after doing some grocery shopping and I was whisked away...
::: Lyric of the Day :::
It's our time to shine through the down
glorified by what is ours
We've fallen in love
It was the best idea I ever had
Today I fell and felt better
Just knowing this matters
I just feel stronger
And sharper...
Found a box of sharp objects
What a beautiful thing
| the used - a box full of sharp objects |
Woke up this morning with a backache... But I felt much better than the night before. I guess its good that I got sufficient rest. Felt glad to be able to go to church to serve God by playing the drums for worship. It felt good to worship God this morning. Felt refreshed by His presence. I wonder if the other musicians feel the same way when they play. Again, there was no comments on my drumming so I don't know if I did well. I need to know how to improve myself... Joshua did mention that it was a little messy at the end but he didn't elaborate on how to improve it.
Had discipleship group after service. Did the teaching on God's Word - God's healing. It felt good to teach... It feels more natural now that I'm comfortable with what I'm speaking in front of them. And it feels good to teach people who want to learn. Its like their desire energizes me. I thank God that I was able to answer most of their questions. Must get Andy to give me a debrief of the teaching. :P
An opportunity arises...
What are you doing, daryl?
I feel so lifeless now. So tired... We lost the soccer match 4-2. I think we really let ourselves down. It wasn't like we were outplayed or anything. How do you lead a group of guys if they question your every decision. Or give you a long face when you have to take them out. I wonder how coaches and managers take the pressure. When things are going well, everyone pats you on the back. But when things go wrong, words are muttered under their breath and they try to murder you with their stares...
We started out with a standard 4-4-2 formation. But the whole team was in a mess during the first 10 minutes... Some players were out of position and a lot weren't chasing the ball. So I made a few changes to the team and I was impressed with the way the team fought back to be 2-1 up by the end of the first half.
Decided to go for a more attacking formation in the 2nd half and revert to the 3-2-3-2 formation that we used 2 weeks ago. Thats when the team and the tactics went berserk. The team was complaining that they were left open at the flanks. So the 3 central defenders started going out of position to cover the wings. Leaving the center even more exposed.
The idea of the 3-2-3-2 formation was not to cover the flanks but pack the center of defense... But somehow the team forgot the way we played 2 weeks ago and were unnerved by PLMC's wingers. We were the ones supposed to attack their flanks but the team kept trying to go through the center. They had a 5 man defense and it was like we were banging our heads on the wall.
That was the tactical aspect of the match which I was really disappointed about. I would have thought that with all their worries about being caught out at the flanks, that there would be at least one goal conceded from the flank or because of the flanks... But the goals all came through the center. Having an attacking formation would mean that we would be left slightly open at the back. But apparently the players weren't comfortable with that at all. I guess I should just have stuck with a 4-4-2 diamond midfield.
Went to Orchard Cineleisure after the match to watch A Vacant Affair. They only performed one and a half songs before they were cut because it was "raining". (there were like a few drops) One of the sound crew was just being a pain... I think that the organisers of Tapestry are crap to not be able to provide tentage... Or at least plastic covers for the amps. Oh well...
I'm in the mood to reflect over the today's incidents... Overpaid for a lousy field, got blamed for bad tactics, missed a golden opportunity during the match, played below my expectations, doubted my leadership, saw the band get cut, orchard made me moody. Not really much fun today. Whats there to learn from all this? Anyone knows?
Woke up quite early today... Finalised the venue for soccer. We'll be playing all the way in Farrer Park. Cambridge Primary School or something like that. Really looking forward to it.
Anyway, cleaned the dog area and scrubbed my soccer boots before leaving to go to Lynette's place. She was having contractors over to do her toilet... Prepared the teaching for DG this sunday. Learnt something while preparing. It really struck me when I read it.
"According to your faith will it be done to you"
| Matthew 9:29 |
According to my faith. Meaning as much as I believe! Meaning I am restricted by my unbelief. Meaning God can't use me if I lack the faith! Which means I need to build up my faith!
It really amazes me how verses can jump out at you all of a sudden. As if it was the first time you've seen them. And I learnt something else. Its not as simple as saying that you believe what the bible says. You have to meditate on it... Infuse it into your spirit. Until you know for sure! Until doubt bounces off you like bullets shot at a tank...
Had briefing for SonicFest'04 at St George's... Quite a large venue. The mainstage will be set up in a soccer field. So there's no worry about space. Loved the way they spoke of the things of God. Lets do things properly so that when the time comes for God to take over, it'll be the best platform for Him to work.
Marcus also shared about 2 Samuel 24:24. Another verse which impacted me greatly. "...I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing."
Made me think back on what I felt last night... What have I sacrificed? Nothing much. I have not given anything of great importance. I have not done anything that has a lasting value. What good have I done for the Kingdom of God? Nope... I want to do more... I want to do things for God and show Him when I face Him in heaven... See! This is what I've done for you. And although there's no cover charge to get in here, I did it because I love You. Because I want to see that smile on your face which will tell me, I did alright...
The highlight of my day was that I finally was able to shit... After Apple & Orange Juice Mix last night and many cups of Fruit Tree Orange, I have liberated my stomach. Hallelujah!
Spent much of the late morning and early afternoon doing assorted housework. Cleaning the dog area, setting the washing machine and then hanging out the clothes. Left for city hall to meet Liwei and Jeremy. Supposed to meet them this morning for breakfast and then to send Nathan off but I had this really good dream which I just had to see the ending of... I hope he understands... :P
So anyway, I went for a Burger King lunch. This was the first time in days that I finally could eat in peace without having visions of my stomach exploding. Wahaha... So after that the three of us went to peninsula to shop... I ended up buying a pair of drumsticks, a red trucker cap and a pair of goggles.
Rushed home to try out my new pair of goggles and they work very well! I've been swimming more ever since the pool reopened than I have ever swum since I've moved here. Its been like 10 years? The new pool area is nice with palm trees and all. I love it especially in the evenings when the sky is painfully blue and the orange sun peeks from behind the countless white clouds. Makes life seem so peaceful and quiet. And it makes a great workout as well!
Accompanied Matthew to the Tapestry gig Briefing in Toa Payoh. Had a great time thinking of new band names and laughing at them. We realised that there were quite a few band names that have to do with traffic lingo... For example, 'No Right Turn', 'Left Turn on Red', 'Dead End'.
So I decided to come up with a band name 'Hump Ahead'. With the album name, 'Basic Theory' and the hit single, 'No Parking'. WAHAHA!!!
Ok... It was more funny when we were talking about it. =/
Its been 3 days since I had a proper dump in the toilet... (read: shit!) I've been drinking fruit juice to try to help things along. (Pun intended!) I think its sort of caused by the anti-diarrhea medicine I took when I had stomach flu. When I was taking the medicine, I thought it wasn't working. Now, its working too well...
Just came back from a late evening swim... Kinda relaxing to swim at night. The only problem was I couldn't see where I was swimming without goggles. In the day, I can still make out where I'm going by opening my eyes underwater. But at night, its harder to see objects like the wall and to estimate the distance, so I start panicking because I'm afraid of hitting the wall... Had to go up to borrow goggles from Yvette.
Went to watch I, robot with Dale & Yvette in the evening... Its a good show! I thought it asked meaningful questions about things like purpose in life and loving our creator. Good show for future Movie MagiXS. :D
I would rate it 4 out of 5!!!
Spent the afternoon with Lynette today. Went shopping for airline tickets to Chiang Mai at People's Park in Chinatown... Realised quickly that flights by Thai Airways was sold out and flights by silkair were selling out quickly. So we decided to call Jeremy to book the flights through AirAsia... We managed to get our tickets for a cheaper price but not without a lot of trouble and a lot of phone calls! Kudos to Jeremy for his patience and willingness to help!!! :D
Gotta go sleep soon. Hafta wake up at 5:30am... Sending Nathan into army and we having breakfast at Raimah...
I apologise in advance if I start rambling in this post. I can't seem to think straight. Haven't been eating much these few days and its beginning to show. Lost weight already. I'm getting skinny again... (People will say, "When were you ever not skinny???) But I thank God that I'm recovering.
The things that happened today made me look back and think through my own expectations. I've realised that I spot other people's mistakes almost immediately. Not like I'm intentionally on the look out for these mistakes but just so that I can let them know about it. So quick to pick on others. I could be ignorant of my own shortcomings staring in my face. My sister says that the best way is to listen out to what God tells you. He'll let you know if you're screwing up. But only if you're listening...
So am I listening?
Not all the time... For one thing, listening takes a quiet heart free of distractions. And my mind on the other hand wants distractions like a kid wants candy. Even when I have nothing else to do, and the only thing left to do is to sit with God and read the bible. My mind will conveniently 'overlook' that option. Probably to sit at the computer reading or playing computer games or flipping through the dozens of channels on the television. I'll get to it tonight.
I have this exercise book where I used to jot down my ex-girlfriend's SMSes... Stumbled across it when I was looking for something to read in my bookshelf. Anyway, all the SMSes that meant something to me were written in there along with the date and time. (There were alot of them!) I was reading through some of the messages and it reminded me of why I was so afraid when I broke up with her. I was afraid that I'll never be loved the way she portrayed in those messages ever again. The way she reassured me of her love and the way she encouraged me to strive after God. Can it be found again? Or was it a fluke in the massive plan of the universe that was righted after we broke up? Dare I suggest that it was a fluke in God's plan? Or more likely my impatience in finding a girlfriend?
I'm told and I believe that God's plan has in store a better partner for me. But a part of me dreads that in a totally selfish way. Will she be what I expected? Will she fit my impression of 'better'? So many questions again! But the answer remains the same.
Managed to go for John & Debbie's wedding dinner last night. Managed to eat some food. Still recovering from stomach flu. The atmosphere was a bit subdued though... Maybe because of the mix of people from UK and people from Singapore... Cultural differences? Hahaha!!! The UK people kept toasting to every single person and kept making this poor boy stand up and sit down.
I dropped by to esplanade to see Electrico play at the arena. Had time to burn while waiting for the wedding dinner to start. I think the people there were quite to see some guy dressed in formal wear strolling around the place. Bought the survival pack for $20...
Parents left for overseas this morning. Can't remember whether they're going UK or Australia... Hahaha.
Hmm... Today was a horrible day... Had a viral infection in my tummy... So my body decided to empty my stomach of all material. From both ends. Not a very pleasant experience. Haven't been this ill in ages. I wonder what I ate... Thank God I'm feeling better now. Missed Debbie's wedding ceremony though. Praying that I'll be well in time for the dinner tomorrow.
Took this quiz from Aaron's blog... I agree with my results totally!!! HAHAHA!!!
Baybeats 2004...
Reached there in time for the last band... Standard Screamo band... Nothing fantastic at all... Looking forward to tomorrow. Better lineup!
A Vacant Affair will be distributing their re-recorded single, "How About Enough?" tomorrow. So look out for us to get a copy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That final stretch home always brings memories
Thoughts that contradict the resolutions I've made
They've moved on, they've lived their lives
And here I am, wandering, clinging to yesterday
To dreams I've dreamt and wishes that went
Unfulfilled, Unattained
To questions I've asked and love I've lost
Unanswered, Rejected...
I return to you...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Watched spiderman 2... Its much too emo! Left me speechless many times... I was wondering why Dashboard Confessional did a song for the soundtrack. Now I know...
Took number 7 home. Its been awhile since I've enjoyed a good long bus ride. Reflecting on what I've become these few months. All I can say is that I'm getting more and more imperfect. I don't know if its a gradual realisation of what I've been all along or its a journey I'm on after picking up new things. And its leaving me hugely unsatisfied... Usually people get better at life as time goes by. Armed with more experience, they tackle the unknown with a quiet confidence. But me... I'm carried along kicking and screaming...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Back and forth, on it goes
Never stopping, it flows through
The pathway, lined with bodies
Burning the excess fat
But the useless mass lies in the head
It creates and then cripples,
Entrances and then terrifies,
This is the new, this is the time
Be very quiet, not a sound
As the tinkle of glass pierces
It cuts the air like a machete
And its whistle unfurls the intent
While a single tear traverses
Down the curves of her cheek
Undaunted by creases in her smile
This is the time, this is the age
As lips touch, heaven unleashed
In the seconds that take years to arrive
Parallels that will never meet
Will there ever be closure
Is this simply a travesty of love?
A mockery of the great sacrifice?
A hope given only to be taken away?
Is this the end? Will there ever be?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Wahey... I'm emo.
Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...
What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For everytime I've given in, there's always regret
For even the slightest whim, its there to distract
Its like aiming with my weaker eye and hoping to hit
These man-made signs lead you, they try to make you stupid
Sitting by the stairs leading to the unknown
But I need some help, can't make it on my own
Need some time to make up my mind,
to wait for that empty touch
the sun will come
its time to march, its time to march on
I need a way to destroy myself
to burn myself, to murder me
I can no longer be who you want me to be
And I can no longer go back to the way i was before
Not anymore...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hooray... Its been a very long day. Sang backup for worship in the first and second service. Got good comments from a few people. I'm glad! I'm glad that some people really managed to meet God in the worship.
The double act is trying to make its way back. And I'm trying to let it. Yes... trying... Cos my Spirit's not letting me just do it. And I'm glad it doesn't.
Keith got the 3 CDs for me. I wished I could order CDs from the US every other week... Had a family reunion dinner at Aunt Juling's house tonight. Good to see everyone in good health. I shall retire to bed soon... Got to much on my mind to stay up!
What a day!!! What a match!!! Charis MC's first win in I dunno how long!! Final score 3-1!
Credit goes to the team from Paya Lebar! They put up a tough fight in the first half and Charis MC was pushed back for long periods of time. When CMC did get a chance to attack, borrowed defender, Jianping, was there to put out any danger. Both teams struggled to find their rhythm in the first half but it was a rare error by Jianping that led to CMC's first goal. The ball was going back to the keeper when the solid defender put the ball in his own net. CMC had more chances to increase the lead with former team captain, Raymond hitting the bar with a almost-perfect freekick. So thats how the score stayed... 1-0 to CMC at half time...
The 2nd half saw changes made to CMC's attack. Daryl replaced Jean Francois at right midfield, Jeremy Wee replace Joel Ong in attack and Amos Wee replaced Dennis as defensive midfield. New import 'KC' also made a big impact as leftback. These changes seemed to bring life to Charis MC's attack as they continued to pile the pressure. This was evident in the many corner kicks that PLMC gave away. Many chances were squandered much to the displeasure of most of the players, but none as evident as CMC captain, Daryl. However, from a corner taken by Daryl, the ball was delivered into the center of the box where it was powered home by CMC's experimental striker, Liwei. 2-0 to CMC!
CMC seemed to grow in confidence and Nathan and Raymond were having a field day making experimental changes to the side... Another experimental striker, Dennis, had a chance to make it 3-0 when he muscled his way into the box. With one defender left in his wake and another struggling to keep up, you would put your money on Dennis to finish the move. But the bulky man was put off by the keeper coming off his line and smashed his shot into the crossbar! More chances continued to come but CMC did not managed to finish them. One humourous example was when Jianping and Jeremy Wee got in each others way and Jianping was left kicking air. Jeremy Wee did well in his first outing in CMC colours as he used his blistering pace to good effect. The young Abel Gan also did well to impress the team with his calmness under pressure at right back.
After another failed attacking move by CMC, the players were getting back into position when the keeper gave a poor pass to one of his players. Daryl, seeing the opportunity, pressured and won the ball from the defender and but slightly overhit it towards the opponent's centreback. With determination, he managed to charge down the ball and run towards the opponents goal. Having to keep balance to prevent himself from being forced wide and seeing the keeper charge out, he managed to keep possession and finally flick the ball past the hapless keeper for the 3rd goal of the game sealing CMC's win.
PLMC managed to get a consolation goal when CMC started an all out attack and was caught open at the back. But it was too little too late for the plucky side. It would seem that a lack of subsitutes was the reason for PLMC's downfall. Lets hope that the 2nd leg will be better.
I don't know who made the time slow down!!! I've been up since 7-ish... Lying in bed looking at my phone waiting for it to turn 9. Then when I go back to sleep for what seems to be a few hours and wake up, only 15 minutes have past. It kep happening till 9:25am when i got out of bed. Time slows down when you're looking forward to something... :P
Prayed for the match and the people too... I prayed that the weather would stay cool and that the match will be played in good spirit. Hopefully this will be an avenue to invite new friends to come.
Going to wash up and prepare now... We shall WIN!!!
My head has been hurting... I've been thinking about certain things much too much. Especially since I wake up at 9 every morning when the sun shines into my room. It pierces the back of my brain and reminds me what I was thinking of the night before... Makes me very tired in the mornings.
But I'm glad I get to spend some time with God in the afternoons... This afternoon my mom and I went to do our hair. It was at her friend's house. Sort of a home salon. I dyed, highlighted & trimmed my hair for 60 bucks. I think its value for money. Kinda striking now. I guess its nice lah. :P
I had to endure 45 minutes of burning scalp for it...
Just finalised the location for this saturday's soccer match. Charis MC. vs Paya Lebar MC. We should be playing at Marina South at 1pm on saturday. Really looking forward to it. The thought of running with a ball at my feet along the stretch of grass just makes my heart race! No disrespect to Paya Lebar but I think that we have a chance of winning this game. Finally this will be our hour of glory!!!
::: Quote of the Day :::
Most of the great art in the world is about that very problem
Good looking people, they got no spines
Their art never lasts... And (yet) they get the girls
But we're smarter
Thats what the great art is about
The guilt and the longing
Love to these guys is sex
and sex to these guys is love
| From the movie 'Almost Famous' |
A couple of questions that Andy posted on the XS forum
Questions that may even shake the deepest foundation of our faith....
Why are you so sure that what we believe in is for real?
and
If we 1st believe in Christ for the sake of fearing eternal death and by believing in Him we are saved... does'nt that mean we are believing it for our own good? Is that not selfish?
Why am I so sure?
Well, we humans are strange things. We need evidence or proof that God exists. Whereas in Christianity, a lot of the spiritual lessons that we need to learn requires something called faith. Somethings just don't work without it. Theres the crux of the problem. On one hand, we want evidential proof that God exists and that He'll actually do what He promises in the bible. On the other, the bible says that these things have been given to us and simply requires our faith to work. So how? Many people can't get past this hurdle. Sometimes because of obstacles that have been put in our way such as doubts or temptations.
I'm sure because God has not let me down. He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. When I hung out with the wrong company and did all sorts of crap in secondary school, He still ran to me when I called out to Him. When I failed my first year at poly, He guided me and gave me back my self worth. When I was crushed by a bad breakup he pieced me back together. Time and time again, He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. Even if it was I who chose to do wrong in the first place. He always bailed me out. After all the times I went through hell, making bad decision and basically being the biggest fool. (Because of the shit I put others through)
There came a point in time where I didn't want to be without Him anymore. I didn't want to go through life making the same mistakes to different people. I didn't want to go through life aimlessly any longer.
I guess being born into a Christian family and being a 4th generation Christian has its priviledges. I sort of knew how to talk to God already and how to turn to Him when things went wrong. So I dedicated my life to Him and put whatever was left of my miserable life into His hands and said, "Here... Take this. Use it however you like but I don't know whether it'll be any good. Its broken."
He did use me and I believe He'll continue to use me to achieve much greater things! He has not failed me ever since I've given my life to Him. My life, being guided by Him, has been generally a smooth one. Not without incident, but all manageable and bearable because He's with me.
But why am I so sure? He is just like a friend whom I can converse with. He tells me things and when I obey, things ALWAYS turn out right in the end. He provides for every need that I have. He's opened doors and made opportunities available for me. Such that I have such an enjoyable time serving Him. All I can say is that with God, you have to make the step of faith to really see Him. And I'm glad that He reveals Himself to me in this way... Bit by bit... Cos I treasure what I discover more! And I grow to love Him more.
Are we being selfish by believing in Him initially for salvation?
Well... Let me put it this way. If your best pal bought you a country club membership. And offered to you citing the benefits that the club offered, would you be selfish to accept the membership? Does that mean that since we want the benefits, we're having selfish motives? Its been bought, its been given. All we have to do is accept!!!
Of course naturally we have to move on from just collecting the benefits to finding ways to bless others as well... Its only selfish when we continue just to think about how to gain from the 'membership'.
I don't know if I've answered the questions at all... Just wrote the thoughts that came to mind when I read the questions. I like question that make me think about the faith. Chances are I've thought through them before. Oh... And another reason why I belive? Because I've consicously tried to doubt it before. I've tried to find the smallest reason to stop beliving and with my limited intellect I couldn't. Having said that, even geniuses like C.S. Lewis believed after constant questioning.
Played for service today. Got into the right mode of worship quite easily. Played more comfortably too. Trying to play and improve at the same time is quite difficult but I'll keep trying. I'm beginning to question the sermons coming from the pulpit... Maybe its a lull.
I sang backup for todays worship practice... The singing was alright. Had a little trouble with the harmony because it meant singing higher than the melody. So I had to strain a little to hit the notes.
Had new musicians so it was a little tedious during practice. But its something we have to endure if we're to encourage new musicians to step up. Praying for more musicians to come. We need them.
::: Thought of the Day :::
I want to...
But should I?
As far as I see...
It won't get anywhere...
Good evening... I just got back from supper... Only had one chicken wing. Didn't have much of an appetite. The performance at PLMC was good but I kinda screwed up in the 2nd song. Wahahaha... Nevermind. The bands did pretty well... Was disappointed by the 2nd band. They did so well during the practices and impressed me so much but sounded pretty tame during the actual thing. Sonicedge as usual, blew me away with their tightness, loudness and amazing desire to worship God with every movement and every note. It was beautiful...
So beautiful...
I'm wary.
So ugly
I'm weary...
I had a nice talk with Josephine before the concert started. Shared about my direction and what I wanted to achieve in life. And she shared about how God has been taking care of her in her life. And how, in her independence, she had to depend solely on God. And God carried her through.
Dear Lord, how can I compare? People better than me, more effective than me in every aspect that I wish to serve you in. You don't require the best I know... Just my best. But I think there's something about being the best and then giving that to you? I don't know, Lord. But this is something I want to do for you. I pray that you'll open doors for me to learn. That there will opportunities for me to improve myself. Cos I know Lord, I'm not satisfied with what I'm offering. I want to be more effective for you. I don't know if there's such a thing as being selfless for personal glory but I pray that I'm not doing that.
::: Song of the Day :::
Oh my God
I've been waiting for you all of my life
The trees are tired from breathing
Sharks keep moving never stopping
Sharks keep moving on
Cut out my eyes
to spite my heart
Wish for sleep but never stopping
Assignments pile up.
| further seems forever - Aurora Borealis (In Long Form) |
Surely there will be someone. Surely? Or are my expectations filtering every other person out? Until nothing comes through... Is it me who needs to change my expectations? Or is it a matter of excercising faith?
I've found out something else about what I like. Innocence, a desire to learn, a desire for the duality of God's work... Both the simplicity & complexity of it. Is it really that impossible?
And I better watch myself again. To make myself worth it... Does every girl stop learning at 18? Do their desires change so greatly at that age? Is there no one like me? No one who refuses to obey the world? Or has a desire to serve God? Maybe I changed too early? Maybe I got my eyes opened sooner than anyone else? Maybe by some divine accident, I've been jolted awake 4 or 5 years too early? Like waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.
Is my trusting God just a cover for not wanting to do things by myself? A diversion for laziness? If it was, I would just be walking into the pit of death. Maybe this isn't how things work... Maybe one must have the ability to give up their qualifications (diplomas, degrees, masters, doctorates) and a stable job to be considered useful for the Kingdom of God. People like me who no longer see a need to chase after these worthless things are of a lower standard in His service... Cos thats how I feel I'm treated.
I CANNOT SERVE GOD!!!
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO...
Oh boohoo... thats your problem my dear boy.
And I feel as if I'm just a immature little punk who doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I feel like the little boy who gets his hair ruffled by a proud uncle who chuckles to himself, "How cute" and hands him a dollar for making him laugh. And the worst thing? I feel as if I've said all this before... As if I'm being put on repeat in a CD player. And tomorrow, it won't matter. Because no one pays attention to the punk with earrings. Cos he doesn't know what he's talking about. He is just a classic example of the 'young people' which are polluting our society. It seems that how I look matters to you more than it does to me, doesn't it?
There's nothing keeping me here except committment to several people that I feel a need to be with. I feel a responsibility for them. Because with this glass ceiling, I can never move up. If I can't get what I want, thats bad enough. But not being able to do what I want to do for God, thats worse...
But its still what I want to do... Sigh...
Hello world... Before I begin, please banish all thoughts about pride and egoism. This is not what this entry is about. And I don't claim that what I say about myself is true. But don't miss the point.
Is it enough to be good at the things you do? I've been blessed with ability to do certain things well... But these things by themselves don't mean a thing. So what if you can play soccer better than anyone in church? Who cares if you're good at playing the drums? So what if people think you have a nice voice or can write nice lyrics? Who actually gives a damn whether or not you dance better than the people at PLMC? All these doesn't matter... And why not? Because there'll always be someone better...
But you're different! You're doing this for God!
And I could rattle off names of people who are doing more for Him and giving more to Him. And they don't look for recognition... Or they manage to put down seeking recognition. So are my motives pure? Or do I have a secret desire for fame? Maybe I like the attention... Or maybe its the thrill of getting compliments. I don't know what it is. But I do know that God has blessed me with another thing. The mundanity of it all without Him in the center... The self-seeking thrill will not last. The climax will be short-lived just like every other worldly passion. And I'm relieved it does. I really am...
But there is another passion I have which distracts... Another passion which could take the place of my One True Love. And it almost would if it wasn't so damn foolish. If it wasn't so... unrealistic. Not in a hopeless romantic way, but unrealistic in a practical way. Can anyone say 'déjà vu'?
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Take Time to Find
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
And because chance plays no part
In the game of life
decisions and choices of the heart
must not be made with the mind
And so my will is set
and I put my best foot forward
But faith seems to be short lived
And I whimper like a coward
Time takes twice as long
when you're waiting for her to grow
Be strong, you cannot be wrong
This many times in a row
Fear of the unknown and unseen
can drive a man mad
Especially if someone else might win
a woman's favour is not to be shared
So as the wise men always say
The best is yet to come
I strive on, her love I crave
The journey has begun
Reminded constantly to keep in step
with the one who made this path
You're not ready, not quite yet
Still a diamond in the rough
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